All human beings will eventually be the source of pain, hurt and heartache of another. It’s inevitable! At times the pain we cause will be incidental and unintentional. And other times, quite deliberate.
In the spirit of RealTalk, I have discovered that more often than not, Hurting People, have more of a tendency to hurt people, than those who are not hurting. HURTING people are those with “unresolved” emotional trauma/pain. Some of that unresolved hurt/pain may be from childhood sexual abuse; incest; a betrayal; divorce; abandonment; physical violence; growing up in an addictive home, etc., Unresolved means, the person is NOT currently, deliberately or intentionally addressing their hurt and pain either in therapy, a support group, or counseling etc.,
So, before entering a relationship, how can we identify early on, if the person we’re considering is or isn’t H.U.R.T. (Healing from Un-Resolved Trauma).
1. Anger – In your conversations with them do you sense an under current of anger? Perhaps when they talk about their parents, or a divorced partner, or former partners they still seem angry. They may deny it and say they are over it, but you still sense an under current of anger. Do not ignore it.
2. Trust – Do they have difficulty trusting you? Do they always have to know where you are? Are they suspicious of your friendships for no reason? Do they blame all of their past relationship failure on the “other” person? Can they clearly articulate their part or responsibility in the relationship failure?
3. Lack of Vulnerability – Do they share their heart with you? Are their conversations with you surface and superficial? Do they allow themselves to be known? Or do you find yourself having to ask a ton of questions to get to know who they are?
4. Sexual Issues – Is much of the conversation centered around sex? Do they not discuss sex at all? Do they seem uncomfortable with their body. Do they seem to hate men or women?
5. Zest for Life – Do they seem to have a sense of joy in and for life in general? Do you sense depression or consistent sadness?
Beloved, these are just a few RED Flags that may help us identify if we’re about to enter the danger zone of a HURTING Person.
Know this for sure, if hurting people are not actively and intentionally working through their unresolved hurts, they are incapable of cultivating and developing a healthy relationship! Do not fool yourself into thinking you can fix them or that it’s not that bad. You will only be setting yourself up for HURT.
Not that’s RealTalk!